A Random List?

Hey! Sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. I’ve been studying for a huge and major exam, and at the moment, I still am! ­čśů So… I haven’t had time to post anything, and this is probably the worst time for me to post (the day before my exam, when I should be seriously cramming). But, hey, every now and then, people need to chill–seriously. If you get too worked up, you might mess everything up. My English teacher once told me that the day before the SAT, she crammed so much (maybe even what I’m doing right now), but her friend just partied all night. Her friend scored higher than her seriously stressed, hard-working friend. ‘Nuff said.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I’ve been busy, but I was scrolling through some ideas on what to post, and one of the suggestions was to make a list, so that’s what I’m doing today!


List of Things I Said I Wouldn’t Do But Did Anyway:

  • play with fire (not a good idea)
  • attempt to do a handstand when I know I can’t do one (ouch)
  • secretly throw away food so my parents would let me play
  • eat tons of candy in a single night (I cleared out a cabinet full of candy)
  • eat tons of food
  • give in to peer pressure
  • hide individuality to give way to conformity
  • fall in love
  • not study for an exam
  • get distracted
  • procrastinate
  • cheat
  • become a bully
  • cry in public (at school) (so hard that the teacher said that I wouldn’t do my presentation [I lost my voice] and that I should go to the restroom)

But, hey, even though this is a┬áreally, really bad list, I at least learned… There are some good things too…

List of Things I Never Thought/Dreamed to Do But Did Anyway:

  • enter a spelling competition (I was recommended by my teacher)
  • learn karate
  • join a choir
  • write a story
  • do a handstand (a long time ago, when I was still somewhat flexible)
  • get a perfect score in math
  • get a perfect score in English and literature
  • cut a starfish’s arm off (that was pretty awesome yet gruesome)
  • hold a rat’s heart (this was all in biology class…)
  • eat my veggies for my parents
  • learn to confess and forgive
  • believe in something I don’t see (religion)
  • become the bullied
  • pass a whole year of school with straight A’s
  • compete in something I love (technology )
  • compete in something I didn’t want to do/didn’t even plan to do (video game design and animation)
  • win a regional┬ácompetition as first place–twice
  • win a state competition as first place
  • (I found this out a couple days ago –>) have the highest grade in a technology/any class

Life is pretty bitter-sweet in the sense that you have so many bad things happen to you, but unless you realize it, you also have a lot of good things.


Now… BACK TO STUDYING FOR MY EXAM!!! ­čśş­čś¬­čś░

I am to the point of studying where I haven’t talked for so long that I feel like I have no mouth. ­čśÂ

Have a great day! ­čśü

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Why?

I nearly fall apart as he looks at me with those caramel eyes–L.

I pull away from him. I don’t question him at all. I don’t even wonder why he put his arm around me. I just leave, nearly running down the stairs, ready to hurl myself into my car to go far, far away from school.

Why? is what I thought. Why on earth is he doing this to me?

I don’t know why I didn’t ask him, and I don’t know why he tried to get close to me.

L. was the little innocent boy who paid a dollar for me so I wouldn’t get in trouble with the teacher. (We had to give a dollar for charity.) L. was the victim that I tore apart–literally. I scratched him to bits and never got in trouble┬ásince┬áthe teachers believed me┬áto┬ábe the innocent one.

So why?

Every class I had with him, I dreaded. Guilt consumed my thoughts with the mere thought of him. I hated┬áthat feeling. Maybe that’s why I kept running away from him. I still owed him a dollar. I never apologized for hurting him.

“Will you be my friend?” echoes in my head as I have flashbacks of him asking me those five words.

I┬ákept avoiding him, wanting to return to the life I had before–the life where I wasn’t a bully. I didn’t want anything to do with him.

He kept coming back, and┬áhe wouldn’t take no for an answer.

A year later, we never talked again. Why?

Now this year, two years after he asked to be my friend, he puts his arm around me and looks deep into my eyes. Why?

Is he mocking me? Is he making fun of me? He knows I bullied him, yet he tortures me with his very presence because of the guilt that tears me from the inside out. Is this a joke?

“I love you.” I brush off those three words as if I didn’t hear them.

Am I a joke? Why would someone like me end up with someone like you, Mr. Popular?

“I love you.” I swear I don’t hear those words again as I walk away.

Is this a dare your friends made you do?

“I love you.” I nearly scream as I walk faster, just to get away from him.

Is love a joke to you?

I keep quiet, unwilling to say, “L., I’ve known you for a long time, and I’ve loved you the first time I saw you.”

But it’s too good to be true.

We had a small fight, and this ignited gossip among some girls. I never talked to him again. I even had a “messenger” talk to him for me if I had something to say.

I want to say I hate L.; I honestly do. But I can’t hate someone I’ve loved too long.

I don’t want to fall in love again. I still think of his caramel eyes looking at me, staring not directly at me but in my soul, seeing me as what I actually am. He knew me for what I truly am. If I fall in love again, it will only hurt a million more times because of the single thought of the single person I regret I forced away from me when all the person wanted was a single, true friend.

Random Question 3!

This was a pretty good question, but I kind of already answered it.


If you could give one piece of advice to the whole world, what would it be? (from http://www.conversationstarters.com/generator.php)

Well, I made a post that was basically my advice to the world on my blog one time… It was the Nothing is More one. I mean, seriously–why do people try climbing the top so much?

Those things I mentioned in that post were all from elementary and middle school, but guess what–it’s exactly the same in high school. I could only assume it’s the same for all of life.

People who started out as nobodies feel terrible, like they’re purposely being forgotten by others, as if no one wants to pay attention to them. The bullied and abused feel pain that never ends, day and night, awake and sleeping. And so on and so forth.

People who are at the top of the messed-up social hierarchy of this world are not always snobby or mean, but the gossip they could spread is so suffocating, and it feels like all they say are just stories. why not make your own mistakes for once and see how you feel when others gossip about you? The top is lonely and empty, and those who have been there their whole lives don’t seem to notice since they’re so used to it. They enjoy crushing people, watching them fall into a deadly pit, and they won’t care a bit.

I’m someone who’s seen both sides of the story.

People at the top–I used to think them as snobs, but then I became one. Was I a snob?–I asked myself that question one time when I was at the top, and guess what? I kind of was. I left everything from my past, the silent, honest, innocent life, to become what, a gossiping, conniving, terrible person?

My life felt emptier than when I was the nobody. I had all the attention in the world, and everyone loved me. I had all the happiness and joy I could ever have as I spoiled myself as I took advantage of others. I had all the enjoyment in the world as I constantly bullied someone I would never have dreamed of bullying when I was a nobody. I could do anything and everything, but life was empty.

Being a bully made me feel worse. Being a snob made me realize who I had become. Being a gossiper made me feel guilty, and guilt pierced into my heart with every word of gossip I spread as I watched those who suffered.

I went back to being the nobody, expecting emptiness once again, but instead, I found happiness, but this time, it was pure happiness. I expected to remain a nobody and run away from everyone as I reverted back to my old self, but some of the people at the top–the ones who felt the same way as me–still paid attention to me, but they wouldn’t dare step down from their golden throne to some dump. I got new friends too; I got a lot more real friends than when I was at the top.

So my advice to you, world, is this: If you have to be someone, don’t be at the top as the bully, but don’t be the nobody who runs away. Be the somebody, the happy somebody who makes friends with the nobodies and who says no to the bullying. Be the somebody who makes the difference and be different. Be the somebody who doesn’t fit any one single social label so that you could break through the social system. Forget about being on the top and think about my words and my experiences up there. Enjoy life even if you’re at the bottom. Be happy if you’re already somebody.

Oh, world, one more thing? Nothing is more. Remember those three words, and you’ll be able to glide through life just fine.

Random Question 2!

Hey! I just realized that I never explained why I’m posting random questions. Well, you see, life… is not always exciting, and I’m in school a lot too, so… Well, I’ve been answering a bunch of random questions I find on the Internet when I’m┬á bored or have free time. Then, I either post these right away or schedule it. Hopefully they’re entertaining? Plus, this is Quite Extremely Random.


Would you rather be stuck in a house with someone you hate or be stuck in a house alone? (a question from http://www.conversationstarters.com/generator.php [I know, I’m quite extremely bored right now])

If I was stuck with someone I hate in a house, I would probably ignore them. So, it wouldn’t make much of a difference of whether or not the person I hate is in the same house with me or not. Being alone allows me to listen to silence, reflect, and clear my mind. But…

I would be stuck in a house with someone I hate because I can’t stand silence. I’d rather hear harsh words than the cruel deafening noise of silence. Silence and solitude compounded with a vivid imagination equals fearful, long hours.

I’m not much of a person who hates anyone anyway. And if I do hate someone, I have enough tolerance to withstand them.